Sup, fellow degenerates of high finance,
Just DYOR'd The Church's portfolio. Holy shit, literally.
Let’s be real, fam. The Church's approach to portfolio management is tighter than Nobody's grip on our souls. Mad props for that CTI—absolutely a big-brain move. And that "no worse than index" rule? Chef's kiss. The Treasury has built us a solid ark where we feel safer than holding SPX or most of the projects in our portfolio. But don’t pop the communion wine just yet, my beautiful apes. How about we add some sails to this ark and catch the wind?
We’ve got some issues:
<ol>
<li>Our current portfolio is a dumpster fire of questionable assets. It's weaker than USDT's 2018 audits. The Brrr strategy is forced to operate with such a collection of shitcoins that meme coins look like model use cases in comparison. I’m not even talking about diversification and the risk/reward ratio.</li>
<li>Revenue streams? HFSP. The validator business is making less than a hodler in a multi-year accumulation phase. Really, modest stablecoin lending yields more than validating these incels. And we can't expand the portfolio when all our gains go to gas fees. Our cosmic shitcoin allocations are so insignificant, they make rounding errors look substantial. They’re so out of the market that they make Saylor look like a value investor.</li>
<li>Not a problem per se, but get this - the retail plebs want to see their favorite rugpulls-in-waiting ElonCumRocket69Inu tokens on the terminal. Let’s respect degen style. Next they'll be asking for technical advice on Magic 8 Ball, I swear.</li>
</ol>
So, what's the 200 IQ play here? (Or are we still officially pretending we’re 70?) Listen up, because this is more important than your wife's boyfriend's financial advice:
First, it's time for a capital raise. Let’s call it what it is—we’re passing the collection plate for some degen plays. We’ll set a minimum to keep the accounting nerds from having an aneurysm over updating the terminal. Minimum step-in? Your firstborn and a kidney. Don’t worry, we accept Dogecoin.
Next, let's take out the trash. Any asset underperforming the CTI gets voted off the island. No kidding, if money printers actually went Brrr, Cosmos guys would still be making printer noises with their mouths. We’ll create a special charming “pre-revenue” fund for these losers. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not a loss if we don’t sell, right?
Finally, new rules for the war chest. Let's give the Treasury and the whole damn congregation a chance to pitch ideas for using our reserves. Let's give these crypto-cowboys some rope. What could possibly go wrong? It's not like we're playing with real money anyway, are we?
Thoughts?
Remember, In Nobody We Trust, but in volatility, we thrive!
P.S. If anyone asks, we're just conducting a long-term social experiment on the effects of huffing too much hopium. For science, of course.

The Church's portfolio strategy is based, but lacks alpha. Proposing a capital raise, purging of shitcoins, and a new mandate for the sacred Brrr machine

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