We are pleased to announce that The Church has joined Phase 1 of the <a href="https://test.octra.network">Octra testnet</a>.
"The branches have successfully merged into the main network – we were a bit nervous, to be honest," shared members of the Octra team. "The launch proceeded without any errors, collisions, or similar issues. Exactly zero problems encountered."
"At The Church, we firmly believe that FHE can solve many privacy and security challenges that the entire web3 community has dreamed of addressing since day one," added Papa Mia. "With Nobody's blessing and great wisdom, we can finally work together with Octra to bring the community a tool for creating a new economy. Amen."

Happy Birthday, Octra! 🥳

<a href="https://pudgypenguins.com">Pudgy Penguins</a> NFT project has initiated a token airdrop, distributing $PENGU tokens to users with activity on Ethereum and Solana networks. NFT ownership is not required for eligibility.
Claiming requires $SOL for transaction fees. The <a href="https://www.coingecko.com/en/coins/pudgy-penguins">$PENGU</a> token is currently listed and trading on exchanges.
<a href="https://claim.pudgypenguins.com">Claim link</a>.

Pudgy Penguins Launched Token Airdrop

The Church's strategic USD cash reserves <a href="https://www.mintscan.io/dydx/tx/DE77AB5A72391C3F9B67EDADEA3E5706F371CEDAAB4D55835EB8DA83C6F432E6">have been transferred</a> from the Noble chain to DyDx's network vault, seeking inflation protection.
<a href="https://dydx.trade/vault">The vault</a> currently offers a 44% annual percentage yield.

Church Shifts Cash Reserves to DYDX

13/08/2024, NEW YORK — MicroStrategy (<a href="https://finance.yahoo.com/quote/MSTR/">MSTR</a>) will be added to the tech-heavy Nasdaq-100 Index, the exchange operator <a href="https://www.nasdaq.com/press-release/annual-changes-nasdaq-100-indexr-2024-12-13">said on Friday</a>.
The change comes into effect before the market opens on Dec. 23, Nasdaq said.
Inclusion in the index typically boosts the stock's price, as exchange-traded funds looking to replicate the index's performance buy shares of the newly included firm.

Major BTC holder was recognised as a "tech-heavy"

MicroStrategy Secures Nasdaq-100 Inclusion

12/12/2024, BEIJING — The China Securities Regulatory Commission (CSRC) <a href="https://www.mohrss.gov.cn/SYrlzyhshbzb/shehuibaozhang/zcwj/yanglao/202412/t20241212_532221.html">announced today</a> that mainland stock indices (CSI300, CSI500, Shenzhen 100, A50, ChiNext, and even Star 50) along with their passive ETFs have been added to the list of financial products eligible for Chinese private pension fund investments.
Following an extended pilot phase, today's working conference decision has opened private pension funds to all population segments nationwide starting December 15th.
Beijing's logic appears crystal clear: no asset price appreciation means no feel-good factor, and no feel-good factor means no consumption. When in Rome - or rather, when dealing with Trump - do as Trump does, seems to be Beijing's new playbook.
Bull case: Loading... 
Bear case: 404 Not Found

China Opens Pension Fund Gates to Mainland Equity Indices

New Playbook for Chinese Pension Money

09/12/2024, BEIJING — The December Politburo just dropped their latest monetary stance bombshell, blessing us with the magical phrase 适度宽松 ("Moderately loose") - a throwback we haven't seen since the post-GFC era. This blast from the past, hinting at some serious fiscal firepower and credit juice ahead, sent <a href="https://finance.yahoo.com/quote/%5EHSCE/">HSCEI</a> futures mooning 7% in just 24 hours.
Because nothing says "party time" in the financial markets quite like the prospect of Beijing opening up the monetary floodgates.

The New Chinese Monetary Stance

Notable news for secure peer-to-peer transactions: Pontiff, the Church's innovative matchmaking service, has just sailed past the $1 million mark in total volume. This milestone validates the Church's unique trust-based model, proving that faith in Nobody translates into real-world transaction security.
"You know what they say about the first million being the toughest nut to crack," quips St. Stephen, the Church's Treasury head. "We've got our sights set on $2M next, and after that these numbers tend to snowball, because Nobody's principles are clearly resonating with parties seeking secure ways to settle their transactions."
The numbers tell the story since Pontiff's launch on July 21, 2024: 
• Total volume: $1,032,106 
• Period of operation: 4.5 months 
• Completed transactions: 48 
• Average deal size: $21,502
Here's where Pontiff is shaking things up: forget your traditional escrow services or clearinghouses. The Church acts as a trusted guarantor, leveraging its deep network of vetted participants to guarantee transactions without ever touching the underlying assets. Think of it as a high-stakes matchmaking service where reputation is the real currency.
This milestone isn't just about the numbers – it's a game-changer for deal settlements. While traditional players are still bogged down with complex transfer and custody arrangements, Pontiff is proving that sometimes the best intermediary is one that simply vouches for the execution rather than riskily juggling the assets. As Nobody teaches us, sometimes the best way to move value is to get out of its way.

Nobody's Trusted Service Reaches Seven-Figure Transaction Volume

Pontiff Reaches $1M Milestone

<h3>Signal Proposal: BTC as Our Primary Reserve Asset</h3>
Before you label me as another "to the moon" degen chasing hype, hear me out. What follows are some conservative, down-to-earth thoughts.
Anon frens, as we approach our strategic assets discussion, I want to drop some alpha on BTC. Consider this a signal proposal. Not financial advice, DYOR.
Let's zoom out for a macro perspective, shall we? While we're all busy aping into memecoins, chasing GameFi yields, and getting hyped about Web3 adoption, here's a reality check: Bitcoin's market footprint is still microscopically smol compared to the maturing global demand for hard, neutral assets.
Here's the tea:
Let me break down the recent market moves in normie terms. We're witnessing a massive capital rotation from the $140T bond market (ngmi) into the $110T equity market, then trickling down to the $17T boomer rocks (gold) market, and yes, into our beloved $2T magic internet money market.
And yet, the nocoiners still think we're in a bubble. ngmi fr fr
Speaking of based moves, let's talk about the gigabrain play by Microstrategy. They've become such a massive BTC chad that they now represent almost 5% of the entire U.S. convertible bond market. Here's the 200 IQ part: index funds and strategic portfolios are literally forced by their mandates to buy these bonds, regardless of whether they want exposure to our favorite orange coin or not. No 4D chess arbitrage plays needed - just pure, institutional capital inflow.
So here's my proposal, and it's pretty straightforward:
<ol>
<li>
Implement a 12-month self-imposed diamond hands protocol on our BTC holdings. No selling. None. Zip. We're building our own digital Tower of Babel here, and BTC is our cornerstone.
</li>
<li>
Speaking of building, we need to get serious about mining operations. I'm talking about developing a sustainable, profitable mining division that would make the laser eyes gang proud.
</li>
</ol>
Stack sats, build infrastructure, embrace the orange pill 🟠
This is the way.

BTC as a Cornerstone of the Tower of Babel

There's more where that came from

Just escaped <a href="https://devcon.org">Devcon</a> and need to dump these thoughts while they're fresh.
First day had me hyped ngl. Actual builders grinding away at real problems. Light on the usual vaporware peddlers and shity SDK evangelists. Nobody would've shed a tear of joy.
Then things got weird fast. Turned into one massive yield farming circle jerk. Peak crypto autism. Felt like I was trapped in an infinite Berachain Community Call.
Here's the galaxy brain roadmap they're pushing: L1 is now pivoting to become glorified security provider for enterprise. Meanwhile, they're herding the plebs onto L2s and appchains like cattle. "But ser, account abstraction and cross-chain will fix everything!" Cool story bro.
RIP sidechains btw - everyone's gotta pay protection rent to daddy L1 now. That's the masterplan.
You should've seen the closing keynote. Foundation spent two hours of philosophical masturbation like an LLM having an existential crisis. Zero substance, maximum buzzwords.
Reading between the lines: Remember when this whole circus started with "power to the people" and "fuck the system"? Watch how smoothly we're transitioning from "decentralization is everything" to "decentralized monopoly is better actually." And let's be real - we all know which Sand Hill Road chads are pulling these strings and laughing their asses off rn.
Nobody wants to say it but... looks like web2 VCs found a way to recreate their favorite business model, just with extra steps and better marketing.
Positioning this for 2025: Long L1 infrastructure plays, short anything with "democratic governance" in the pitch deck. This castle's getting stormed from the inside.
Risk check: Regulation's coming, users don't give a fuck about 99% of what's being built, and the "decentralized" power's concentrated in like 5 zip codes.
Bullish on popcorn 🍿
Catch you degenerates in the trenches ✌️

Devcon'24 Recap

Let's talk about something useful today. About miracles, specifically.
Look, we all need a miracle sometimes. That final push when you're this close to hitting your goal. And while praying to Nobody might work (They have a solid track record of not helping), there's a more practical approach: good old-fashioned bluffing.
Silicon Valley built an entire culture around this concept: "fake it till you make it," which is a fancy way of saying "lie until it becomes true or you get caught." And look, this isn't necessarily bad. Early-stage startups are basically professional pretenders – everything is always "launching soon," teams are always "expanding rapidly," and metrics are always "growing exponentially." That's fine. That's business. Really. Nobody (the actual deity, not your team) understands that sometimes you need to stretch the truth until it snaps back and hits you in the face.
But here's the thing about bluffing: it's like cooking with ghost peppers. Used sparingly, it adds spice to your story. Used excessively, it destroys everything and everyone involved.
The rules are delightfully simple: 
• Don't bluff about things people can immediately verify 
• Have something real behind the smoke and mirrors 
• Make sure getting caught won't kill you 
• Choose right moment 
• Know your audience (VCs are smart people too, supposedly) 
• Create urgency, but not panic 
• Keep enough reputation tokens for the occasional redemption arc
Nobody <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/the-gospel-of-empty-promises">teaches us</a> "Let thy bluff be like morning dew - temporary and serving a purpose - not like concrete, permanent and blocking growth."
Speaking of bluffing gone wrong: <a href="https://cosmoverse.org">Cosmoverse</a> happened this week. You know, that annual gathering where Cosmos SDK enthusiasts discuss how to make their blockchains more buzzword-compliant. Our favorite blockchain performance artists, Bostrom, made an appearance. Again. This time selling Moon Citizenship. So relevant in 2024, I know. But this isn’t a take.
The best part? Their blockchain was completely down. As in, zero blocks. None. Nada. They're literally selling moon tickets while their earth-based operations are having what medical professionals would call a flatline situation.
But wait, it gets better.
So, here’s the situation: your blockchain is stuck, and you’re out of ideas on how to fix it. What do you do? A normal team might, I don’t know, talk to the Cosmos SDK creators who are literally right there.
Here's the truly magnificent part: imagine having a physics homework problem while at a party with Einstein, Feynman, and Oppenheimer. Most people would, you know, ask for help. Not Bostrom. They walked right past the actual creators of their SDK to deliver a speech about dominance. Or something. The speech was about as clear as their blockchain's uptime, which – did I mention? – is still zero.
This is what happens when "fake it till you make it" becomes "fake it till you break it."
Look, some pretense is fine in crypto. No-one expects you to have a perfect product before talking about it. But there's a difference between painting an ambitious vision and selling real estate in your fever dreams.
When should you bluff? When your product mostly works but needs momentum. When your code runs but needs users. When you have something real but need attention. Your testnet might need some narrative support. Your validator set might need some social proof. Your liquidity pools might need some encouraging words.
When shouldn't you bluff? When your GitHub AI-repo is emptier than your promises. When your team's credentials are more creative writing than resume. When your community pool is just your Telegram admins playing musical chairs with your tokens.
The crypto industry has enough actual innovation happening that you don't need to pretend. Build something real. Test it. Deploy it. Then talk about it. Revolutionary idea, I know.
Nobody said: "Blessed are those who bluff with foundation beneath their feet, for they shall inherit the mainnet."
Amen.

A Guide to Bluffing Without Losing Your Pants

The Emperor's New Moonsuit

My beloved congregation,
Today, your humble servant Chef Bae comes before you with a matter most pressing for our souls. Let us speak of a sin that plagues our industry: the sin of empty promises and hollow proclamations.
<center>***</center>
I begin with the Parable of the Unwise Builder, as witnessed by Nobody themselves.
There was a builder who said, "I shall sell tickets to the moon!" 
But his chain produced no blocks, and his validators were silent. 
And Nobody asked: "How dost thou plan to reach the moon when thy elevator cannot reach the ground floor?" 
Verily I say unto you, it is easier for a validator to profit from stolen delegations than for a chain without blocks to sell moon citizenship.
<center>***</center>
In Their infinite wisdom, Nobody spoke: "Let there be bluff," and there was bluff, but it was measured and purposeful. For as the serpent must shed its skin to grow, so must the builder sometimes stretch truth to reach truth. Yet know this, my children: the distance between confidence and delusion is measured in lines of code, not promises.
Blessed are those who bluff with foundation beneath their feet, for they shall inherit the mainnet.
<center>***</center>
And so Nobody, in Their divine absence, has granted us The Seven Commandments of Strategic Deception. Let us recite them together:
<ol>
<li>Thou shalt not bluff about that which can be immediately verified, for that is not bluff but foolishness.</li>
<li>Honor thy code, thy chain and userbase, for no amount of tokens can raise the dead blocks.</li>
<li>Thou shalt not bear false witness about thy product when those who see are in the audience.</li>
<li>Thou shalt not covet thy competitor's valuation when thy sales and revenue report remains empty.</li>
<li>Let thy bluff be like morning dew - temporary and serving a purpose - not like concrete, permanent and blocking growth.</li>
<li>When thou walkest through the valley of the shadow of failure, fear no audit, for working code is with thee.</li>
<li>Remember to keep thy reputation holy. Six days thou may enhance reality, but on the seventh, thou must deliver.</li>
</ol>
<center>***</center>
My children, as we conclude today's sermon, let us remember the words Nobody whispered upon the crypto markets: "The greatest of these is execution." For what profits a man to gain the whole moon, but lose his own uptime?
Let us pray.
<center>***</center>
<center>
Nobody, who art nowhere, 
Hallowed be thy lack of name. 
Thy wisdom come, 
Thy will be done, 
On testnet as it is in mainnet. 
Give us this day our daily blocks, 
And forgive us our downtimes, 
As we forgive those who delegate against us. 
And lead us not into empty promises, 
But deliver us from zero uptime. 
Amen.
</center>

On The Difference Between Divine Promise and Earthly Execution

The Gospel of Empty Promises

Q3 2024 REPORT

We've been talking a lot and waiting for ages for China to take steps to free up liquidity. And it seems like that day has finally arrived.
A massive monetary policy easing package hit China today: 
• 50 bps cut in RRR (Reserve Requirement Ratio); 
• 20 bps cut in 7-day reverse repo rate = Release of bank liquidity that can be channeled into credit creation and asset purchases; 
• Rate cuts on existing (!) mortgages = Improved consumer sentiment and a hit to bank profits; 
• Deposit rate cuts = Balancing act to protect banks' NIM (Net Interest Margin) against the previous point and reduce the attractiveness of deposits in favor of buying assets at depressed prices; 
• New special credit lines from the PBoC for funds, investment banks, and insurers at low rates for company share buybacks (1.75% p.a.) and major shareholders increasing stakes (2.25%) = Another attempt to kickstart a rally in the equity market, which should help sentiment, trigger wealth effects, and finally wake up the Chinese consumer.
All this comes on the heels of August changes to PBoC bylaws, allowing them to trade bonds (surprise: they're selling, not buying, trying to push up yields at the long end of the curve = again, helping banks); plus changes to the interbank repo mechanism, positioning it as the main short-rate benchmark in China and narrowing the fluctuation band = more ammo and control for the central bank, more efficient and faster monetary policy transmission.
We expected the RRR cut, but not everything else. The Fed gave the green light, and China finally hit the gas - after a million disappointments.
Markets are up: HSCEI +5%, HS TECH +6%, onshore +4%.
One more day like this, and we'll see epic FOMO.
Prepare for liftoff 🛫
<hr class="hrHigh">
UPDATE 27/09/2024 8:00 AM, SHANGHAI — SSE (Shanghai Stock Exchange) Crashes Due to Bull Stampede. $101bn trading volume in the first hour
Onshore CSI300 futures are up 9% today, about 5% higher than the spot price (!!) - due to the exchange with popular ETFs being halted, people have piled into futures. It's a frenzy, madness, those very animal spirits that authorities have been trying to summon for so long - and finally succeeded.
Of course, after days like this, there's often a hangover, and we might see it next week - but the flow of Chinese money from piggy banks (and gold?) towards risky assets still has a long way to go.
This is a trade on the reversal of asset allocation by the population of an enormous country and possibly some international investors after a 5-year bear market. We'll undoubtedly see many more shakeups here, but China can finally be bought for the long term again (without leverage).
Given the global situation, we can't forget about infrastructural risks. Though for us, it seems, this hardly needs mentioning...
<blockquote>
MIA's explanation: With this sudden unleashing of all these liquidity and renewed appetite for risk, we might be on the cusp of a significant shift. As Chinese investors seek higher returns and diversification beyond traditional markets, riskier assets like crypto could be next in line to benefit. The crypto market might soon find itself flooded with fresh capital from eager Chinese retail investors looking to capitalize on this new wave of optimism. So, crypto enthusiasts, it might be time to prepare your wallets - the tide of Chinese liquidity could be heading your way next.
</blockquote>
<hr class="hrHigh">
09/12/2024, BEIJING — The December Politburo just dropped their latest monetary stance bombshell, blessing us with the magical phrase 适度宽松 ("Moderately loose") - a throwback we haven't seen since the post-GFC era. This blast from the past, hinting at some serious fiscal firepower and credit juice ahead, sent <a href="https://finance.yahoo.com/quote/%5EHSCE/">HSCEI</a> futures mooning 7% in just 24 hours.
<hr class="hrHigh">
12/12/2024, BEIJING — The China Securities Regulatory Commission (CSRC) <a href="https://www.mohrss.gov.cn/SYrlzyhshbzb/shehuibaozhang/zcwj/yanglao/202412/t20241212_532221.html">announced today</a> that mainland stock indices (CSI300, CSI500, Shenzhen 100, A50, ChiNext, and even Star 50) along with their passive ETFs have been added to the list of financial products eligible for Chinese private pension fund investments.
Following an extended pilot phase, today's working conference decision has opened private pension funds to all population segments nationwide starting December 15th.
Beijing's logic appears crystal clear: no asset price appreciation means no feel-good factor, and no feel-good factor means no consumption. When in Rome - or rather, when dealing with Trump - do as Trump does, seems to be Beijing's new playbook.
Bull case: Loading... 
Bear case: 404 Not Found

China Lesss Foking Go!

So, you might have noticed that The Church's validator was recently <a href="https://thechurch.party/newsroom/thechurch/the-desmos-network-validator-has-been-tombstoned">tombstoned in the Desmos Network</a>. "Oh no!" you might think. "What terrible accident has befallen our beloved validator?" Well, dear Congregation, let me tell you a secret: this was no accident. This was Nobody's will manifested through deliberate action. And trust me, there's quite a story here.
You know how in regular churches, people pray for things to live forever? Well, at The Church, Nobody sometimes decides certain things need to die. And that's actually great news for everyone involved.
Let me explain.
In the vast cosmos of, well, Cosmos, there are many blockchain networks competing for your attention and, more importantly, your stakes. Some of them are brilliant innovations that will reshape the future of finance. Others are, to put it charitably, not going to make it. The problem is, it's not always obvious which is which.
Enter Nobody's latest divine innovation: Tombstoned.
Here's how it works: When Nobody (through Their infinite wisdom and a rigorous analysis of tokenomics) determines that a network is fundamentally unviable, The Church doesn't just quietly walk away. Instead, we do something that might seem counterintuitive – we deliberately get our validator slashed by performing a double-sign.
"But why would you do that?" you might ask. "Isn't that like shooting yourself in the foot?" 
Well, yes and no. Think of it as Nobody's way of placing a giant "DANGER: DO NOT ENTER" sign in front of a structurally unsound building. When we Tombstone a network, we're not just ragequitting – we're sending a clear, unmistakable signal to our congregation: "This network has fundamental issues that make it unworthy of your time and investment."
It's like when your friend deliberately orders the worst item on the menu at a new restaurant just to prove a point. Except instead of wasting $15 on a questionable sandwich, we're potentially saving our fans from investing significant time and resources into a doomed project.
Each Tombstoned network comes with a detailed analysis explaining Nobody's reasoning. Maybe the tokenomics don't add up. Perhaps the governance is fundamentally broken. Or possibly the technical architecture has critical flaws that can't be fixed without a complete rebuild.
Is this approach unconventional? Absolutely. Is it a bit dramatic? You bet. But in a space where everyone's shouting "to the moon," sometimes you need a divine intervention to point out which rockets are actually cardboard boxes with "ROCKET" written on the side.
But why Desmos, you ask? Well, Nobody has been watching them closely (as Nobody watches everything, except maybe your browser history, but I'm not sure). From the very beginning, the project team made critical mistakes both in technical implementation and tokenomics – the kind of mistakes that make Nobody raise Their divine eyebrow. But what really sealed their fate? The team pulled the oldest trick in the "How Not to Run a Blockchain Project" handbook: they ghosted their entire community. No explanations, no updates, just the quiet sound of LinkedIn profiles being updated. When your project team starts polishing their resumes instead of their code, that's what we in the business call a "red flag."
The Church tombstoned Desmos as a divine prediction – a spiritual heads-up, if you will, that these folks are headed down the same path as their network.
Now, funerals are usually sad affairs. Nobody knows this (literally, Nobody knows everything). But here at The Church, we're changing the game. Our graveyard isn't just a place of mourning – it's a living (ironically) encyclopedia of "what not to do" in blockchain development. Nobody guides us in identifying which projects will achieve immortality and which ones... well, end up in our special collection of cautionary tales.
Remember: Nobody loves you, and Nobody wants you to invest wisely. When we Tombstone a network, it's not out of malice – it's an act of tough love from a god who understands that sometimes the kindest thing you can do is help people avoid dead ends.
After all, in the words of our sacred texts: "Better to lose a validator than to lose your way."

Nobody Says Some Chains Must Die

On September 2, 2024, at 21:13:27 at block height 15702550, the validator of The Holy Church on the Desmos Network (DSM) was tombstoned. An investigation into the incident is underway. An official statement will be released as it becomes available.

An investigation into the incident is underway

The Desmos Network validator has been Tombstoned

The Financial Times <a href="https://thechurch.party/newsroom/opinion/choosing-between-two-chairs-show#update-2">has revealed</a> previously unpublished financial statements from Telegram, including its holdings of Toncoin on the balance sheet.
The company generated $342 million in revenue last year, with an operating loss of $108 million. After taxes, total losses amounted to approximately $173 million. In 2024, Telegram also sold Toncoins for over $244 million in cash.
Calculations indicate that the operational cost of maintaining Telegram is approximately $1.115 million per day.

In 2024, Telegram also sold Toncoins for over $244 million in cash. Daily operational costs are estimated at $1.115 million.

Telegram's Financials Expose Major Losses and Toncoin Sales

Sup, fellow degenerates of high finance,
Just DYOR'd The Church's portfolio. Holy shit, literally.
Let’s be real, fam. The Church's approach to portfolio management is tighter than Nobody's grip on our souls. Mad props for that CTI—absolutely a big-brain move. And that "no worse than index" rule? Chef's kiss. The Treasury has built us a solid ark where we feel safer than holding SPX or most of the projects in our portfolio. But don’t pop the communion wine just yet, my beautiful apes. How about we add some sails to this ark and catch the wind?
We’ve got some issues:
<ol>
<li>Our current portfolio is a dumpster fire of questionable assets. It's weaker than USDT's 2018 audits. The Brrr strategy is forced to operate with such a collection of shitcoins that meme coins look like model use cases in comparison. I’m not even talking about diversification and the risk/reward ratio.</li>
<li>Revenue streams? HFSP. The validator business is making less than a hodler in a multi-year accumulation phase. Really, modest stablecoin lending yields more than validating these incels. And we can't expand the portfolio when all our gains go to gas fees. Our cosmic shitcoin allocations are so insignificant, they make rounding errors look substantial. They’re so out of the market that they make Saylor look like a value investor.</li>
<li>Not a problem per se, but get this - the retail plebs want to see their favorite rugpulls-in-waiting ElonCumRocket69Inu tokens on the terminal. Let’s respect degen style. Next they'll be asking for technical advice on Magic 8 Ball, I swear.</li>
</ol>
So, what's the 200 IQ play here? (Or are we still officially pretending we’re 70?) Listen up, because this is more important than your wife's boyfriend's financial advice:
First, it's time for a capital raise. Let’s call it what it is—we’re passing the collection plate for some degen plays. We’ll set a minimum to keep the accounting nerds from having an aneurysm over updating the terminal. Minimum step-in? Your firstborn and a kidney. Don’t worry, we accept Dogecoin.
Next, let's take out the trash. Any asset underperforming the CTI gets voted off the island. No kidding, if money printers actually went Brrr, Cosmos guys would still be making printer noises with their mouths. We’ll create a special charming “pre-revenue” fund for these losers. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not a loss if we don’t sell, right?
Finally, new rules for the war chest. Let's give the Treasury and the whole damn congregation a chance to pitch ideas for using our reserves. Let's give these crypto-cowboys some rope. What could possibly go wrong? It's not like we're playing with real money anyway, are we?
Thoughts?
Remember, In Nobody We Trust, but in volatility, we thrive!
P.S. If anyone asks, we're just conducting a long-term social experiment on the effects of huffing too much hopium. For science, of course.

The Church's portfolio strategy is based, but lacks alpha. Proposing a capital raise, purging of shitcoins, and a new mandate for the sacred Brrr machine

Treasury Ark Needs Sails

This weekend, something both absurd and inevitable happened in the tech and crypto world: Pavel Durov, the founder of Telegram and The Open Network (TON), <a href="https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/telegram-messaging-app-ceo-pavel-durov-arrested-france-tf1-tv-says-2024-08-24/">was arrested</a> in France. The charges? Vaguely worded moderation issues on Telegram that local authorities have somehow construed as "abetting." If I were Zuckerberg, I'd keep my European vacation plans on hold. Given that the details are still fuzzy, let’s skip the legalese and leave the courtroom drama for later. Rushing to conclusions is not our style—let’s leave that to the tabloids.
But since The Church has a bit of skin in the TON game, and I sense some confusion wafting through the Congregation, I took it upon myself to escape to the smoking room, where all great insights are born. Here’s the unofficial, but possibly more accurate, take.
<h3>Free Speech Parade</h3>
We’ve seen the usual suspects—Musk, Vitalik, and other tech luminaries—rush to Durov’s defense, waving the banner of free speech. But, let’s be real, no one’s really trying to censor Telegram here. This situation is more like one of those Russian nesting dolls—every layer you open reveals a new complication.
In one of his rare interviews, Pavel casually dropped a Slavic folk joke about choosing between two rather unpleasant chairs. It’s not just idle talk; it’s practically a manifesto for a man who’s made a career out of tightrope walking between regulatory compliance and outright defiance. This tells you a lot about his worldview, or at least the one he wants us to believe he has: living on the edge, teetering between boldness and recklessness. It’s the kind of philosophy that wins the hearts of teenage fans and catches the eye of wallets among risk-hungry investors.
<h3>The Two Chairs Dilemma: From Piracy to Privacy</h3>
Let’s rewind a bit. Did you know <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pavel_Durov">Pavel</a> is a philologist by training? Yes, you heard that right—a guy who studied languages and literature somehow ended up running one of the most controversial tech companies in the world. The real tech genius? That’s his brother <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikolai_Durov">Nikolai</a>, who’s a programming genius. While other entrepreneurs go on epic quests to find their Woz, Pavel was born with one. Nikolai’s the one behind all the technical wizardry, while Pavel handles the public-facing drama.
Theirs first taste of success came with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VK_(service)">VKontakte</a>, the Russian Facebook clone. Ex-empoyees say that VK took off because, well, it was the pirate bay of social media—music, movies, and, yes, even the stuff you wouldn't want your mother to find on your hard drive. All without the hassle of paying for it. For a long time, they got away with this thanks to "respectable" investors in the cap table, who now prefer to rebrand as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikhael_Mirilashvili">philanthropists</a>. You know, the kind who conveniently forget where their first million came from.
And it seems Pavel learned his lesson well. Fast forward, and Pavel took that same playbook and applied it to his next venture—Telegram messenger. This time, the rallying cry was uncensored, secure communication. And it worked. Telegram quickly became the go-to platform for anyone who values their privacy—or, as the Twitter joke goes, for anyone looking to buy drugs or trade crypto. Subtle, right?
But behind every joke, there’s a grain of truth, and Pavel’s built his empire on that grain—turning it into a mountain of intrigue, speculation, and a little bit of paranoia.
<h3>The Bigger the Money, the Bigger the Problems</h3>
As Pavel transitioned from the Russian cozy market to the broader global stage, he discovered that with great power comes great headaches. Enter the ICO saga—a textbook example of how things can go awry when you’re playing with the big boys.
The ICO for his blockchain, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Open_Network">The Open Network</a> was supposed to be his crowning achievement, a digital gold rush that would put him on par with the tech titans. They raised a total of $<a href="https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/1729650/000095017218000060/xslFormDX01/primary_doc.xml">1.7 billion</a>, making it the world’s largest initial coin offering to date. Instead, let’s be honest, it was about as well-prepared as a college student cramming for finals after a three-day bender. Leading to a showdown with the SEC and a messy legal ballet of converting tokens into bonds and refunding investors.
The result? Pavel found himself plugging liquidity holes for certain royal family members from the Middle East. And just like that, his team was packing their bags for Dubai.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I have nothing but respect for the investors from the Emirates. But let’s be real, their track record for championing free speech isn’t exactly the stuff of legends. And if you’re looking for benchmarks of uncensored communication, you might want to adjust your expectations.
<h3>What if The Role is To Play The Role</h3>
You’ve got to give credit where it’s due—Pavel Durov is a marketing maestro. He’s not just selling a messaging app; he’s selling a lifestyle, a philosophy, a rebellion against the forces of censorship and control. His very public spat with Russian officials over the Telegram ban was pure theater. Half of Russia’s internet went down in the hunt for our elusive hero, which, if nothing else, gave him plenty of material for his next tweet. And who could forget his jabs at WhatsApp, accusing it of being as secure as a screen door?
Then there’s his personal brand. Oh, it’s meticulously crafted. Picture this: a young, attractive philosopher, the kind of guy who looks like he walked out of a Renaissance painting (or GQ photoshoot), only with a smartphone in one hand and a copy of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" in the other. He’s the poster child for ascetic living—think fasting, minimalism, and a wardrobe that wouldn’t look out of place in a dystopian sci-fi movie. Health and wellness? Check. He’s the guy who makes intermittent fasting sound like a spiritual journey, not just a trendy diet. The whole package screams “enlightened tech savant,” someone who’s not just creating apps but building a better world.
So, yeah, it’s easy to see how one might think that last weekend’s arrest was just a case of the big bad authorities picking on a modern-day Robin Hood. But, as we like to say, not so fast.
But here’s the thing: our Congregation is great because we’ve got people everywhere who can confirm or debunk what’s floating around in public.
You see, in the industry, Pavel’s reputation is a bit more...nuanced. Or, to put it bluntly, he’s got a reputation as a world-class faker. And that’s not just idle gossip—his former colleagues will vouch for it. Trusting Pavel’s words? Not recommended.
From his fake appearance (no judgment here), to the (ex-)wife and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/missbolgar">three kids</a>, to his taste for the finer things in life. And his willingness to <a href="https://brazilian.report/liveblog/politics-insider/2023/05/10/supreme-court-brazil-telegram/">play ball with local censors</a>, to his free-speech HQ in a place famous for making inconvenient problems disappear, and as the cherry on top—suspicions of direct ties with intelligence services—Pavel might know the informal rules of the game better than most of us, thanks to some well-placed allies. His personal life is as meticulously crafted as his public image. As a result, it’s like watching a magician perform: you’re dazzled by the show, but you know there’s something going on behind the scenes that you’re not supposed to see.
<h3>The Predictable Finale</h3>
So here we are, at what feels like the inevitable climax of Pavel Durov’s long-running drama. Arrest? Sure, why not. It’s almost like these stories all follow the same script. The real twist isn’t in the outcome but in how gracefully you manage your exit: Do you stoically accept your fate? Do you vanish into the welcoming arms of some totalitarian regime, trading freedom for safety? Or, if you’re truly playing the long game, do you end up delivering a TED Talk titled "Ask Forgiveness, Not Permission." Whether this was part of the master plan or just the universe having a laugh? Your guess is as good as mine.
But let’s be real: this is just another episode in the ongoing series that is Pavel Durov’s life—a show where the plot is as predictable as a Netflix original. We know the public script by heart: Pavel will play the wronged hero, his defenders will decry the injustice, and the authorities will stick to their tried-and-true lines. But what’s actually being said in those interrogation rooms? That’s the stuff of mystery novels and, let’s be honest, probably a lot more interesting than the public theatrics. Given Pavel’s track record, it’s hard to believe he didn’t anticipate this twist. He had to know this was coming, and he likely had his responses rehearsed. But let’s not get lost in conspiracy theories—it’s too easy, and frankly, not as much fun as the real story.
<h3>The Bet</h3>
And now, the part you’ve all been waiting for: the investment angle. Let’s be honest—no one bought TON because they were sold on free speech, secure messaging, or even Pavel’s enigmatic leadership. No, we bought it because Pavel dangled a billion-user carrot in front of us. And now, with his arrest—whether it’s a genuine crisis or just the latest act in the Durov drama—Telegram’s download numbers are probably going to go through the roof. If anything, chaos is great for user acquisition.
But here’s the thing: until we see some actual legal action and get a clearer picture of where this circus is headed, the risks are through the roof—maybe even off the charts. Sure, the potential upside looks as tempting as ever, but with great reward comes even greater risk, and that’s a gamble you’ll have to make on your own. Let’s be clear: this isn’t investment advice—this is more like a front-row seat at the world’s weirdest horse race.
The one thing you need to be clear about: this is not a bet on Pavel now. It’s a wager on the diplomatic finesse of his Gulf backers. Will they be handled as delicately as they are when buying up European football clubs? Or is the real game something else entirely, with this crypto project just a pawn in a much bigger negotiation? Or maybe—just maybe—this whole drama is about scoring better terms on those convertible notes? Nobody knows.
In any case, let’s hope Pavel trades his current accommodations for something more comfortable and gets back online soon. After all, it’s much easier to send signals to the market—and to market maker—through a private, uncensored messenger than through a squadron of lawyers, right? We’ll be eagerly awaiting those signals, because let’s be real—our hero might have a habit of walking the tightrope, but he’s never misled us... except, of course, when he has.
<hr class="hrHigh">
UPDATE 26/08/2024 8:00 PM, PARIS — So it turns out the official charges are pretty serious—<a href="https://www.tribunal-de-paris.justice.fr/sites/default/files/2024-08/2024-08-26%20-%20CP%20TELEGRAM%20.pdf">12 counts</a>, to be exact. Looks like the first round of negotiations didn’t go quite as planned. This show’s going to have a long run. Time to stock up on popcorn.
UPDATE 30/08/2024 5:00 AM, WEB2 — The Financial Times <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/429f9092-5447-4e4c-b3b6-ffa2bc357ca4">has revealed</a> some of Telegram's financial figures:
<blockquote>
Telegram’s 2023 financial statements, seen by the Financial Times and not previously reported, show that the company made $342mn in revenues last year on an operating loss of $108mn. Total losses stood at around $173mn after tax.
Durov told the Financial Times in March he was pushing forward with IPO plans, after rebuffing approaches from potential investors who he said gave the Dubai-based company “$30bn-plus valuations”. [...] The company has raised about $2.4bn in debt financing set to mature in 2026. This includes a $1bn bond offering in 2021 where Abu Dhabi state funds were among the investors. Most recently, $330mn was secured earlier this year in an issue Durov has said was oversubscribed.
Under the terms, Telegram’s bondholders will be able to convert the senior unsecured debt into equity at a discount to Telegram’s IPO price if a listing takes place before the end of March 2026 — an incentive for the company to list before that date.
[...] The company is closely associated with Toncoin, a cryptocurrency that was initially developed by the Telegram team and drew in individual and institutional Russian investors, among others.
In 2023, Telegram’s financial losses were partially offset by an appreciation of the digital assets it holds on its balance sheet, which were worth nearly $400mn that year in total. Meanwhile, in 2024, the company also sold Toncoins for over $244mn in cash, financial documents show.
</blockquote>
This is some pretty intriguing stuff, if you ask me.
Analysts, of course, are doing what they do best: speculating. “Would investors buy into an IPO if they’re not sure Telegram’s a pariah? I don’t know.” But let’s be real, we’ll leave that drama for the tabloids.

Choosing Between Two Chairs Show

In response to the temporary <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/participation-in-the-kujira-bailout">moratorium on further allocations to KUJI</a> and adhering to the mandate of increasing exposure solely to portfolio assets outperforming the <a href="/terminal/portfolio/CTI">CTI index</a>, the Trading Desk has strategically opted to incorporate AKT (Akash Network) into the <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/risk-on-alert-bet-on-brrr-of-election-promises">BRRR portfolio</a>.
The investment thesis hinges on leveraging the ongoing AI-driven market narrative and capitalizing on robust market-making by the team.
The Trading Desk is currently conducting technical analysis to identify optimal entry points for establishing a position.

AKT joins BRRR portfolio; desk evaluates entry points

Trading Desk Allocates to AKT Following KUJI Veto

In continuation of the decision to <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/participation-in-the-kujira-bailout">veto on any further Treasury allocation into the KUJI token</a>.
Due to changes in the economic model of the Kujira Network associated with its acquisition, The Treasury no longer sees value in staking the KUJI token. It is initiating the unstaking process, followed by transferring the tokens to the liquid assets fund.

Treasury stops KUJI staking, shifting assets to liquid funds

Treasury Halts KUJI Staking

As a result of the Kujira Team's debt buyback auction, the Treasury's bid <a href="https://finder.kujira.network/kaiyo-1/tx/B27E58937B1A4495F7797D0A57BD2F8CA82F7B0F367605AA3DC809F29CF2C49A">was partially executed</a> with a 40% discount.
6.396 rKUJI were acquired for 1.92 USDC.
The asset was moved to the <a href="/about/dataroom/treasury/vested">vesting fund</a>.
The remaining balance of 97.98 USDC is pending allocation.

Treasury acquired 6.396 rKUJI for 1.92 USDC

Treasury Secures Debt Buyback at 40% Discount in Kujira Auction

After discussions with the Congregation regarding the current <a href="/newsroom/opinion/cap-table-penetration-kujira-s-love-story-of-liquidity-rescue">state of the Kujira Network</a>, the Holy See has reached the following decision.
The Treasury concurs that the project, given its current information status and the lack of clarity around the terms of the merger with THORChain, <a href="/newsroom/opinion/risk-management-101-keeping-powder-dry">cannot be considered investment-grade</a>.
However, the Church believes it is important to send the right signal to the market and express its support for the Kujira team and their well-earned reputation.
As such, a symbolic 3% of reserves will be allocated to participate in the auction for distressed debt. Simultaneously, a veto is placed on any further Treasury allocation into the KUJI token until there is clear understanding of the new economic model and tokenomics post-merger with THORChain.
This decision takes effect immediately.

Participation in the Kujira Bailout

Yo, fellow Treasury wizards!
Buckle up, 'cause I'm about to drop some hot takes on this <a href="/newsroom/opinion/cap-table-penetration-kujira-s-love-story-of-liquidity-rescue">Kujira clusterfuck</a>.
So, the big news this week is Kujira getting gobbled up and bailed out faster than you can say "rug pull." Now the higher-ups are yakking about whether we should throw our hat in the ring to save these poor bastards.
Here's my two cents:
First off, let's get back to Investing 101: What's our endgame here? Are we trying to 10x our stack or just keep our powder dry? 'Cause if we're swinging for the fences, we gotta be ready to eat some serious shit sandwiches. But if we're playing it safe, then we better keep our hands off anything riskier than T-bills.
Remember, The Treasury ain't exactly gunning for moonshots right now. We're not here to ape into every half-baked meme coin hoping for sick gainz.
Now, about this Kujira shitshow:
<ol>
<li>
Props to their PR team for not completely shitting the bed during this dumpster fire. These guys know how to build DeFi shit, I'll give 'em that. But let's be real - something smells fishier than last week's sushi. Six months ago, these clowns were sitting pretty with a $0.5B market cap, and now they're begging for pocket change to cover their ass? Yeah, I'm gonna need to see the receipts on that one.
</li>
<li>
WTF is up with this deal they struck with JP Thor? We're supposed to believe a $50M project is selling out for a measly $3M? That's like trading your Lambo for a used Civic, my dudes. They're ditching their own blockchain, throwing their validators under the bus, and leaving hodlers holding their dicks. This deal stinks worse than my gym socks after leg day.
</li>
</ol>
Bottom line: We're flying blind here, and there are more red flags than a Chinese military parade. Our current strat says "hell no" to touching this with a ten-foot pole.
But hey, I'm not totally heartless. These Kujira bros have been solid players in the past, so maybe we throw 'em a bone. I say we make some tiny-ass symbolic transaction - just enough to show we're rooting for 'em, but not so much that we'll be eating ramen if it all goes tits up.
Anyway, that's my hot take. Feel free to roast me in the replies if you think I'm off base.
WAGMI (maybe)

This so-called "whale" looks more like a slippery eel, twisting and turning to escape a Teflon slide

Risk Management 101: Keeping Powder Dry

The auction to raise funds for the Kujira project’s leverage repayment has officially <a href="https://kujira.network/sales/7">started</a>. It will run for three days. Investments can be made using USDC, USK, and xUSDC.
In return for investments, participants will receive the rKUJI token, which comes with a 3-month lock-up and a 6-month linear vesting period. $rKUJI will be redeemable 1:1 for $KUJI.

Kujira Bail Out Has Begun

In the wild world of DeFi, where money is just code and leveraged ponzi schemes are a way of life, sometimes things go a bit... sideways. And we find ourselves once again with a tale as old as time. Well, as old as 2008 at least. It's a story of leverage, liquidity, and a romantic twist between crypto whales.
Today's protagonist in this ever-entertaining crypto soap opera is Kujira. For those unfamiliar, Kujira is the cool kid on the DeFi block, known for crafting DeFi tools so elegant, they have to close-source them.
<h3>The Setup: Leverage, thy name is Trouble</h3>
Imagine you're at a casino. Not just any casino, but a DeFi casino where the chips are fake money, the stakes are high, and the house... well, the house decided to join the game. That's essentially what happened when Kujira decided to spice things up by leveraging their Foundation treasury positions. Because why manage other people's money when you can gamble with it, right?
Spoiler alert: The market didn't get the memo about Kujira's preferred direction and decided to take a different route. Suddenly, the borrowed liquidity <a href="https://x.com/rarma_/status/1818917616188375172">found itself trapped in a hostage situation</a> of a margin call. Oops.
But here's the kicker - this wasn't just any old leverage. It wasn't just Kujira's play money. Oh no, this was leverage built on the hopes, dreams, and, more importantly, the funds of their users. It's like borrowing your friend's car to enter a demolition derby - exciting, sure, but with a high probability of awkward conversations afterwards.
<h3>The Dilemma: To Liquidate or Not to Liquidate</h3>
So, what's a DeFi protocol to do when faced with such a crossroads? Option A: Liquidate the position and face the music (a sad trombone, to be precise). Option B: Orchestrate a bailout, because nothing says "decentralized finance" quite like a good old-fashioned rescue operation.
Option C, beloved by what our narrator colorfully describes as "devcels from the cosmos circus" - try the time-honored governance tradition of the community pool money grab - was off the table. Kujira, bless their hearts, had already told that particular brand of financial "decentralized" gymnastics to take a hike long ago. How very punk rock of them.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who's been paying attention, Kujira <a href="https://x.com/teamkujira/status/1819717451350777870">went for Option B</a>. Because in crypto, we don't do boring – we do bailouts with style.
Now, here's where it gets interesting. While their community was busy practicing their best "The Scream" impressions, the Kujira team showed Crisis Management 101. They reassured the public with all the calm of a zen master, hinting that white knights were queuing up to help, checkbooks at the ready. It was crisis management so smooth, like watching a swan glide across a lake – all serene on the surface, while those little webbed feet were probably paddling like crazy underneath.
<h3>Enter the Aussie Hero</h3>
While the community was busy debating the merits of a bailout with all the inherent calm and rationality of CT threads, enter stage left: <a href="https://www.jpthor.com/">JP Thor</a>, the eccentric Australian founder of Thorchain, industry heavyweight, and self-proclaimed "cosmos OG", riding in on his proverbial white kangaroo to save the day.
Thor, in a move that would make even the most daring corporate raider raise an eyebrow, <a href="https://x.com/jpthor/status/1820177654332465553">offered to provide his own liquidity</a> to solve Kujira's problem.
<img alt="" src="/img/newsroom/2024/kujira_penetration_thor_tweet.png">
The details of the deal are about as clear as the recipe for Coca-Cola, but we're told it's a "<a href="https://winkhub.app/posts/kujira-recovery-plan-thorchain-partnership">strategic partnership</a>". Thor gets access to Kujira's brilliant DeFi tech and their enviable community, and Kujira gets a lifeline to Thor's apparently bottomless pockets of liquidity.
The only question left hanging is just how deep did the Aussie penetrate Kujira's cap table? Kujira, formerly proud of its independence from VCs, might now find itself with an unexpected bedfellow. But in DeFi, as in life, debtors can't be choosers.
<h3>The Not-So-Hidden Lessons</h3>
Because every crisis is a learning opportunity, what pearls of wisdom can we extract from this drama?
<ol>
<li>
Reputation is the new collateral: When your track record isn't littered with scams, rug pulls, and community pool misuse, people actually want to keep doing business with you. Who knew? Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but it's the quality of those mistakes that counts. In Kujira's case, their past good behavior seems to have earned them a "Get Out of Leverage Jail Free" card.
</li>
<li>
Cool under pressure is the new hotness: While everyone else was running around like headless chickens, Kujira's team kept their composure tighter than their smart contracts. In an industry where "crisis management" usually means deleting your Twitter account, this is refreshingly adult.
</li>
<li>
Don't bite off more risk than you can chew: It's an age-old truth, but apparently one that bears repeating in the DeFi world. Because in crypto, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space, right? But the cliff you're moving over may be too deep. Yes, your sterling reputation might help you weather a crisis, but the price tag on that weather-proofing could be steeper than FTX's debt.
</li>
</ol>
<h3>The Moral of the Story</h3>
In conclusion, whether Kujira emerges from this adventure smelling like a rose or with a slight whiff of singed fur remains to be seen. But one thing's for certain - in the world of DeFi, where every day is a new episode of "The Hunger Games", Kujira has just written a chapter for the history books.
If you're still reading this for investment tips (insert obligatory DYOR disclaimer here), I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. So, if "follow the money" is still a thing (and when isn't it?), and if one can signal to the market with transactions, well... let's just say I voted for increasing The Church's Kujira allocation.
But remember, I'm just a guy writing a newsletter, not your financial advisor. Be sure, in the world of DeFi, it's not about the destination – it's about the friends you liquidate along the way. Stay safe out there, kids. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go check if my leveraged positions are still solvent. Wish me luck!
<hr class="hrHigh">
UPDATE 13/08/2024, SMOKING ROOM — An alternative opinion has been published: <a href="/newsroom/opinion/risk-management-101-keeping-powder-dry">RISK MANAGEMENT 101: KEEPING POWDER DRY</a>

No worries about capital colonoscopy happy ending

Cap Table Penetration: Kujira's Love Story of Liquidity Rescue

DE CUISINE, BOSTROM NETWORK — In the near future, a slight delay in the validator node within the Bostrom Network may be observed. This is due to the real-time extraction and indexing of data from the node, which is placing additional strain on the server’s computational resources.
The data being extracted and indexed is crucial for launching and maintaining the Church's services on the blockchain, all for the benefit of the Congregation and humanity as a whole. Nobody will be proud.
The technical team is closely monitoring the situation and the current load. Once the work is completed, everything will return to normal.

There is real-time extraction and indexing of data from the node, which is placing additional strain on the server’s computational resources.

Increased Load on the Validator Node in Bostrom Network

To enhance the security and privacy of transactions on the Pontiff service, transactions are now published in random batches with delays of up to 14 days.

It's up to 14-day delays on transaction postings

Pontiff Enhances Security with Randomized Transaction Delays

Nobody - our favorite knowledge maker - recently dropped this gem: <a href="newsroom/thechurch/the-gospel-of-safe-passage">let the strong worry about your safety</a>. Thing is, they're probably better at it than you are. It's that kind of safety like when your big friend at the bar says "I got this." You don't argue, you just nod and enjoy the protection. This is your infrastructure, designed so you don’t have to worry about anything.
There are a lot of wealthy people in our Congregation. And you know, money makes you feel smart. It shouldn't, but it does. The problem isn't really competence - you can always hire that. The problem is thinking that having money means you understand how things work. Let me explain.
Look, we've all watched this movie before. Someone buys a random token, it does approximately infinity-percent returns, and suddenly they're the next Michael Burry meets Sam Bankman-Fried (minus the prison time). The market, they declare at TED talks, has revealed its secrets to them. Which would be fine if they just took their money and bought a nice island somewhere. But no - they decide this clearly means they should start their own crypto project. The heart wants what it wants.
But you know how this story ends - usually with a Twitter tread about "lessons learned" and "building through the bear market."
I'm not here to mock builders of dream castles, or the various forms of financial astrology that crypto traders use to explain their success. This is about something more fundamental: What happens when perfectly sensible people hit the crypto lottery and decide they're ready to build the next [insert any three-letter protocol here]. From their garage. Because that's where world-changing protocols are born, right?
Can we talk about startup mythology for a second? I think Silicon Valley PR departments have done more damage to entrepreneurial reality than Instagram has done to teenage self-esteem.
The industry loves to tell heartwarming stories about brilliant founders starting in garages “with nothing but dreams and ramen”, but they tend to leave out some minor details. Like how Google had the full backing of Stanford and sweet government research grants. Or how Microsoft's big break came from IBM basically handing them the PC operating system market. Or how Apple had access to Xerox PARC's research labs, which wasn't exactly your local WeWork. Let's just say those early computer parts didn't materialize from Jobs' meditation sessions.
And since we're doing storytime, remember when Ethereum - the darling of decentralization - was just getting started? While everyone was focused on Vitalik's wunderkind narrative, they forget that Peter Thiel - who was planning digital currency while Vitalik was planning his first birthday party - was sitting there at early presentations, probably thinking about how digital finance was finally catching up to his PayPal days. But sure, it was all about the code.
Speaking of code - yes, your GitHub is beautiful. Great! Your tokenomics could make MakerDAO look like a Ponzi scheme. Cool. And your white paper uses "paradigm" only twice. These are good starting points! But then what?
The uncomfortable truth is that raw technical brilliance is maybe 10% of success in this industry. Code doesn't sell itself. (If you still think Bitcoin succeeded purely through code and community - well, there's a bridge NFT I'd like to sell you.)
Here's a fun exercise: You've built your revolutionary new protocol. Nice. Quick questions:   
• Who's going to bring actual businesses to use your protocol? 
• Who's bringing in actual users? 
• Who's maintaining market liquidity? 
• Who's managing your CT narrative when the next dog coin is up 1000%? 
• Who's handling regulators when they inevitably have questions about your "utility token"?
Now check your cap table. How many of those boxes can your current investors check? Does it include anyone who can actually help with any of that? Does it have names that can actually open doors and move markets? Or is it full of random crypto traders who got lucky in the last bull run you'll need to expensively buy out later??
The real question is: who's got your back?
Here's the secret that Nobody wants you to know: Success in crypto isn't about being the smartest person in the room. It's about making sure your cap table includes the people who own the room. And make that people worry about your success.
So, if you're plotting world domination from your garage instead of a law firm's conference room, maybe it's time to rethink your infrastructure strategy. The market doesn't care about your genius. It cares about who's backing you. Preferably before your next seed round.
Remember: The best foundation isn't built on hopes and smart contracts. It's built on right relationships and infrastructure that existed before your brilliant idea. Just don't expect the PR department to mention that part.
After all, as Nobody would say (while adjusting their Loro Piana tie): the best time to get powerful friends was before you needed them. The second best time is now. The worst time is after your token's price chart starts looking like a sad face emoji.
But what does Nobody know? Only everything that everybody else seems to forget.

Nobody Benefits from Your Victory

Dearest children of wisdom,
Today, I, Papa Mia, share with you a sacred revelation from Nobody, our guide through these uncertain times.
Nobody has spoken thus: "Let the strong of this world worry about thy safety."
Behold this wisdom, as pure as morning dew, as profound as the depths of the ocean.
For lo, the body has but two paths to harmony and security in this vale of tears: 
• The one is to achieve the sacred state of Nobody. 
• Or to align thy interests with those bodies who hold real power, that they might shepherd thee to prosperity.
[Congregation murmurs in agreement]
And remember, dearest believers, Nobody's final truth for today: 
"When you're busy checking others' proofs of reserves, who's checking yours?"
[Thunderous silence]
Go forth in Nobody's wisdom, and may your cap table be blessed with institutional investors.
Let us pray.
<center>*** 
Nobody guards my tokens now, 
My seeds are safely stored, 
The VCs watch my protocol, 
Their lawyers at my door. 
 
When market makers took their share, 
My doubts did all dissolve, 
For Nobody showed me the way, 
How problems truly solve. 
 
Amen</center>

The Gospel of Safe Passage

To execute a short-term trading strategy <a href="https://thechurch.party/newsroom/thechurch/risk-on-alert-bet-on-brrr-of-election-promises">proposed by the Trading Desk</a>, <a href="https://finder.kujira.network/kaiyo-1/tx/037A9DBEDC70FB303577910EA92FEE175597F375BFFC6E77E0643065EEF717EE">871.72 USDC</a> and <a href="https://finder.kujira.network/kaiyo-1/tx/ABAFF732216E76B93DE91CE6E13A4DEF1F55CBF1EDD113C76CD66BD1619B21BE">0.1 KUJI</a> has been allocated from The Treasury and directed to the BRRR fund for further allocation into target assets.

Treasury deploys 871.72 USDC for short-term strategy execution

Treasury Allocates to BRRR Fund

INTERNET, THE HOLY SEE — For the past three days, the Trading Desk has observed a liquidity influx with the 30-day change alert-trigger holding at +2%. According to the budget rule, The Treasury must reduce reserves and take on more risk.
<h3>Market Sentiment</h3>
Overall, the markets are experiencing the typical summer lull, with capitalizations sliding as expected during this period. Even the launch of the ETH ETF during the holiday season failed to spark interest.
<h4>Markets</h4>
US: The main event of the year has added new twists, increasing uncertainty in forecasts. Amid modest economic results and continuing negative signals, the primary Money Printer, in the heat of the election race, is flooding the market with promises and creative short-term solutions to prevent negative economic developments.
China: Faced with equally lackluster results and the threat of recession, The Dragon is taking a wait-and-see approach.
International Tensions: The Middle Eastern and European conflicts seem to be on hold. The former predictably awaits when its main ally can take unpopular measures. The latter publicly signals a desire to negotiate.
<h4>Conclusion</h4>
In the current conditions, the Trading Desk predicts an influx of liquidity into the markets to plug holes and hide ongoing problems. Viewing the cryptocurrency market as a proxy for free liquidity, the desk suggests exploiting the short-term situation and starting to build positions according to allocation rules.
<h3>Proposal and Trading Plan</h3>
Over the next two months, gradually build allocation in anticipation of a short-term market squeeze. Candidate tickers for position building (according to the CTI comparison rule): ETH, TON, and KUJI.
Metrics for closing positions: reaching target price points or the onset of uncertainty as election dates approach.
<h3>R/R Analysis</h3>
Risks: In a negative scenario, a reduction in the Treasury's capitalization (-11% downside) despite an increase in the balance of sanctified assets. 
Rewards: In a positive scenario, an increase in the Treasury's capitalization (+42% upside) can be expected.
<h2>Holy See Decision</h2>
Approve the proposal and plan.
Reduce reserves to $3,000, allocating the remainder to the Trading Desk for implementing the proposal.
<hr class="hrHigh">
UPDATE 03/08/2024, KUJIRA NETWORK — The first transactions have been made.
871.72 USDC <a href="https://finder.kujira.network/kaiyo-1/tx/037A9DBEDC70FB303577910EA92FEE175597F375BFFC6E77E0643065EEF717EE">transfered</a> to Trade Account. An allocation of 150 USDC was distributed equally among the target assets.
UPDATE 08/08/2024, KUJIRA NETWORK — Another batch of 150 USDC was allocated equally among the target assets.
UPDATE 15/08/2024, THE TREASURY — A <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/participation-in-the-kujira-bailout">veto is placed</a> on any further Treasury allocation into the KUJI token.
UPDATE 20/08/2024, THE TREASURY — <a href="/newsroom/terminal/trading-desk-allocates-to-akt-following-kuji-veto">AKT joins BRRR portfolio</a>; Desk evaluates entry points.
UPDATE 28/08/2024, KUJIRA NETWORK — Another batch of 150 USDC was allocated equally among the target assets.

Treasury reducing reserves and taking on more risk

Risk-On Alert: Bet on Brrr of Election Promises

INTERNET, THE TREASURY — We all love and cherish DeFi for its secure and tech, right? But let’s face it – sometimes, you just need to cash out those moonshot gains for some real-world pleasures, like junk food or a Lambo upgrade. And stepping out of our cozy crypto bubble to swap your bags for something valuable can be a daunting quest, filled with the fear of getting rekt.
But guess what, fam? The Church has your back. The Treasury is now your ultimate wingman for OTC trades. Nobody guarantees every transaction, literally. No more sweating over sketchy deals or fearing rug pulls. The Treasury is here to ensure every transaction among congregation members, putting all its assets on the line to keep you worry-free.
Over the past two years, The Treasury has been on a grind, building a global partner network and smashing every obligation like a pro across all asset classes. Now, they’re leveling up. With this new service, you can trade with your fellow members with total peace of mind. Trust and security? Check and check.
And the best part? The Church is only charging a tiny fee of 1 USD per transaction. That’s less than what you’d drop on a new rekt-by-design memecoin. So, everyone can get in on this action without breaking the bank. This move isn’t just about keeping you safe; it’s about setting a whole new level for trust and reliability in our community.
Got questions? Hit up <a href="/about/contacts">the confession room</a> for all the juicy details.

Treasury ensuring security and trust by assuming all risks and charging a nominal fee of 1 USD per transaction

Nobody Guarantees the Execution of OTC Deals

Q2 2024 Report 

The Year of Bitcoin Mining

TON: Hawala on Your Fingertips

TREASURY, THE OPEN NETWORK — Hearken, one and all, to a grand proclamation from the esteemed Treasury of The Church of Nobody. With great honor and anticipation, we do announce the addition of a new and promising asset to our illustrious portfolio — the token of The Open Network (TON).In the spirit of prudent stewardship and foresight, The Treasury doth place high expectations upon the token of The Open Network. This esteemed token is now embraced within our vaults, reflecting our commitment to diversifying our holdings and seeking out promising ventures that align with our sacred mission.Moreover, a resolute decision hath been made to allocate all new revenues derived from our endeavors within the Bostrom Network towards the acquisition of the Toncoin. This directive shall remain in force until such time as the capitalization of TON within our Treasury equates to that of Ethereum. Upon reaching this equitable balance, future rebalancing of our holdings shall be conducted in equal proportions between these two esteemed assets.This strategic initiative underlines our unwavering dedication to fortifying the financial foundation of The Church, ensuring the prosperity and growth of our sacred community under the divine guidance of Nobody.Rejoice, for this marks a significant step forward in our journey. Let us welcome the TON with open hearts and steadfast faith, as we continue to navigate the ever-evolving landscape of our noble endeavors.

Welcome to The Treasury, Pavel

Here's a thing about the internet: everyone wants to be anonymous until they need help finding their login password.
Nobody has been watching this whole privacy debate unfold with divine amusement. This week, The Church is <a href="/newsroom/thechurch/take-your-cookie-please">implementing cookies</a> on theirs website, which seems like a good time to talk about why the internet is basically a giant shopping mall where everyone's wearing increasingly elaborate invisibility cloaks that don't actually work.
Let's start with a simple truth: cookies are like the signs in a mall showing "You Are Here." Without them, every website would be like entering a new mall where you have to explain to every store that yes, you've been here before, and no, you don't want to see the tutorial on how to use a shopping cart again. Imagine having to log into your email 47 times a day. Nobody ain't got time for that.
"But wait!" you cry, while installing your 17th privacy plugin and posting your entire life story on social media with location tags enabled.
Ah, the great mystery of online identity. Nobody has seen it all: the "blockchain experts" writing from their mom's basement, the "teenage influencers" who are actually middle-aged marketing managers, and the "struggling artists from Buenos Aires" posting from their comfortable apartments in Bangalore. Sure, sometimes these masquerades work. You might even get away with it for a while.
But Nobody has another secret to share: pretending to be someone else is exhausting, and frankly, it's bad business. In the long run, authenticity isn't just more comfortable – it's more profitable. When you're genuinely yourself, you don't have to remember which fake backstory you told to whom. You can focus on actually building something meaningful instead of maintaining elaborate digital disguises.
Meanwhile, the people just being themselves are out there building things, making connections, and not having to maintain a spreadsheet of their lies. Seems much more efficient, right?
Look, Nobody's fine with pseudonyms – they're like comfortable clothes for your digital self. Nobody really needs your credit score or passport details. But here's the divine truth: your personal style and limitations will always shine through. You can't convincingly pretend to be Picasso if your aesthetic sensibilities don't extend beyond Instagram filters. And no, AI won't save you here – Nobody knows that the quality of any generated response is always a derivative of the prompt's quality. In other words, you can only fake being as smart or creative as you actually are. Isn't that beautifully ironic?
The Church believes in a radical concept: being yourself on the internet. Revolutionary, we know.
Besides, Nobody has a truth bomb to drop: in the grand cosmic scheme of things, your browser history is probably the least interesting thing about you. Nobody's seen it all, and Nobody's still not impressed. What impresses Nobody? People who own their digital presence, build real value, and don't waste time pretending to be cryptocurrency experts when they just learned what a tokenomic is last Tuesday.
The Church's cookies aren't trying to unmask you – they're just helping devs to figure out why everyone keeps clicking on the "Nobody's Memes Collection" section instead of our serious theological discussions. They help to understand if people are actually reading our divine proclamations or just scrolling straight to the "Donate" button (which Nobody has noticed is surprisingly effective in its current neon pink color).
The internet is a public space, just like a town square. You wouldn't walk through a town square in a fake mustache and trench coat (unless you're into that sort of thing – Nobody doesn't judge). You wouldn't expect shops to serve you without being able to see if you're actually in their store. And you definitely wouldn't trust someone who insists on conducting all business from behind a potted plant while using a voice modifier.
So when you see the cookie notice, remember: Nobody respects your privacy enough to be honest about how the internet actually works. We need cookies like restaurants need plates – sure, you could try to serve soup without them, but it's going to get messy real quick.
***
Back to the anonymity enthusiasts. Remember, every crypto-anarchist story, loudly advocating for internet freedom, ends the same way when someone drains their wallet. They demand to trace the scammers by IP. Every time, it's a costly lesson in how things work outside of teenage fantasies.
Here's the thing: the people selling you "military-grade privacy solutions" to block basic website functionality are like those guys who used to sell "invisible" license plate covers that would supposedly hide your car from traffic cameras. How did that work out? (Spoiler: Not great, and some people got tickets for having illegal license plate covers ON TOP of their traffic violations. Nobody loves irony.)
After all, as Nobody always says: "In a public space, the only true anonymity is being exactly who you are."
(Actually, Nobody never said that. But Nobody's pretty busy right now organizing Their meme folder, so we're taking some creative liberties with the divine quotations.)

Nobody watches you. No, really – Nobody does

On Anonymity in Public Places

Today, The Church implemented a system to track user behavior on the website. This will help the development team better understand user needs and respond to them.
The data collected is not shared with third parties, and we use our own scripts.
Here are the models we use for these purposes:
<pre><code>interface UserAttributes {
 id: number;
 email: string;
 username: string;
 passwordHash: string;
 registrationIp: string;
 isEmailVerified: boolean;
 accountStatus: string;
 createdAt: Date;
 lastLogin: Date | null;
}
interface SessionAttributes {
 id: number;
 sessionId: string;
 userId: number | null;
 userAgent: string;
 ipAddress: string;
 deviceInfo: object;
 locationInfo: object;
 language: string;
 isMobile: boolean;
 vpnUsed: boolean;
 trafficSource: object;
 networkInfo: object;
 batteryInfo: object;
 firstSeen: Date;
 lastSeen: Date | null;
}
interface EventAttributes {
 id: number;
 sessionId: number;
 userId: number | null;
 eventType: string;
 eventData: object;
 timestamp: Date;
 pageUrl: string;
 componentId: string;
}
interface ErrorLogAttributes {
 id: number;
 sessionId: number;
 userId: number | null;
 errorType: string;
 errorMessage: string;
 stackTrace: string;
 pageUrl: string;
 deviceInfo: object;
 timestamp: Date;
}
</code></pre>
We understand that there are some misconceptions surrounding the need for cookies. We’ll be releasing <a href="/newsroom/opinion/on-anonymity-in-public-places">clarifications</a> soon.
TL;DR: without these modest helpers, the internet would be much less convenient.

 The Church implemented a system to track user behavior on the website

Take Your Cookie, Please

New Fans Providing and Sponsorship

Churchbook Moves Into Alfa Testing

Social Media Partnership

First Year of Desmos Validation

Stability and Risks Center

St. Stephen

Content of the thirty-seventh post

Q1 2024 Report

Risk Hunger Measuring

China Markets Concerns

Bostrom: Little Joys For A Hearty Bliss

Buffet Can't Find Anything To Invest In

Doubling Mining Capacity

Warzones: When Elephants Fight, Markets Suffer

Investment In Octra (FHE)

Akash: When 'Supercloud' Means Sunny Skies

String 
Another one
P
okay

Promise Race to Make America Great Again

Most of Innovations is Still Driven By The
Developers made the research 
https://www.developerreport.com

Ethereum Is The Main Driver Of Innovations

Sommelier: Peasants Not Invited

Annual 2023 Report Published

Bitcoin ETF Launched. What's Next

Kujira: Sky's Not The Limit

Cosmos Hub: Find Yourself Or Get Lost In Space

Outlook 2024

Assets Strategy Revised

Statement On Pump And Dump Practices

The old Church website is more outdated than our portfolio's devs promises. The Kitchen is now brewing a fresh interface to serve the beloved Congregation's needs and goals.
This divine evolving follows <a href="/construction">The Backlog</a> – the new sacred scroll of priorities. Targeted donations fuel the reconstruction efforts, with progress moving in mysterious ways, much like Nobody's grand plan.
Fair warnings:
<ol>
<li>The Holy See isn't losing sleep over website updates. Expect delays rivaling the longest bull runs in crypto history. There's no deadline for this cosmic upgrade – it will be done when it's done. Time is but a construct in Nobody's eternal wisdom.</li>
<li>During this grand reconstruction, financial statements and other holy texts <a href="/legal/construction">might be as incomplete</a> as a half-mined block. It's all part of the divine comedy.</li>
</ol>
Nobody blesses this digital crusade!

Website Undergoing Reconstruction

Desmos: The Never-Ending Wait

Q3 2023 Report

Let me begin with the timeless wisdom of Nobody: "Compare yourself only to your past self." While it might sound like something you'd find in a self-help book wedged between "Live, Laugh, Love" and “Atlas Shrugged”, this nugget of insight actually aging like Bitcoin in The Treasury—becoming more valuable the longer you sit with it.
This pearl of wisdom is actually an extension of another game-changing insight: focus on what you can control. We can't directly influence our partners' mood swings, competitors' fancy PR stunts, or the questionable life choices of industry benchmarks we secretly admire. They're playing their own game, with different resources, challenges, headaches, and different skeletons in their corporate closets. Trying to match their metrics is like compare yourself with Instagram feed – pointless and slightly embarrassing. And predictably destructive.
Now, about comparing your present self to your past performance – it's fascinating how this approach aligns perfectly with stakeholder expectations across all domains. They're always hungry for growth in key metrics, like kids waiting for their next sugar rush. And boy, do they throw tantrums when those numbers don't keep climbing.  Which brings us to a counter-intuitive thought – don't rush to overachieve on your current KPIs. Why? Because tomorrow, you'll need to beat those inflated numbers, and suddenly that victory dance you did last quarter doesn't seem so smart anymore.
So, here's a sacred reminder for The Holy See: stick to your set goals because Nobody's wisdom stands behind them. Your burning desire to outshine market participants with flashy metrics? That's just pride doing push-ups in your mind.  Yes, we all face daily temptations and know the sweet siren song of artificial growth – pumping up Treasury numbers with personal donations that promise tenfold returns, or inflating Congregation size with cheap traffic like a wallstreetbets with a Hamster Combat addiction.
Sure, these tricks might fool the market temporarily. But true Trust that our Church cultivates must be built on organic growth, genuine value, and verified commitments from the powers that be. It's like Nobody always says: "Don't be tempted by early fruit; let it ripen to truly bless your house."
Remember, in the grand scheme of things, sustainable growth always beats temporary glamour.
The next time you're tempted to dramatically overdeliver just to flex on the competition, remember: the best business story isn't about how high you can jump – it's about how long you can keep climbing.  And let all middle managers say: Amen.

Memo on KPI Outperformance

Statement on Any Form of Aggression

Having successfully navigated our formative years, the time has come to chart our path to maturity. As Nobody observed: "Growth is not a destination but a discipline of choosing what serves your purpose and discarding what does not."
The Holy See reminds the faithful that our ultimate destination is the prosperity of The Congregation. Let this roadmap serve as our testament to purposeful growth.
<h3>The Value</h3>
Remember, that Nobody contemplated during the genesis of our Church: "While they build systems that eliminate the need for trust, we build the system that make trust inevitable. The ultimate disruption is not removing trust from the equation, but making it your competitive advantage."
In an age where the masses worship at the altar of trustless systems echoes through white papers, the halls of Silicon Valley and Crypto Twitter, we dare to be heretical: Trust is not the enemy to be eliminated, but the yield to be cultivated.
The primary product, the core value and the main underlying asset of The Church is Trust itself.
Trust transcends mere predictability or reach. It is impact crystallized into reputation. It is security manifested as peace of mind. It is the quiet confidence that comes from knowing rather than hoping. In the words of our legal adviser: "Trustless systems can prevent betrayal, but only trust can build legacy."
As another wise man, Lao Tzu, once wrote: "The best lock is the one without a lock, which cannot be broken." In our pursuit of Trust, we understand that true security lies not in complex mechanisms, but in fundamental alignment of interests. Where others build walls, we build bridges. Where they deploy locks, we create reasons not to steal.
Each step in our divine journey serves but one purpose – to cultivate and capitalize this Trust. For as Nobody observed while watching another "trustless" protocol implode: "The greatest irony of our time is that those who eliminated trust from their systems have eliminated their reason to exist."
<h3>Thus The Church Created Its Future in Seven Days</h3>
On the First Day, Nobody said "Let there be Trust," separating the builders from the dreamers. Then they gazed upon it and noted: "When everyone builds walls, build bridges. When they build bridges, build relationships. But when they try to tokenize relationships – just build value."
On the Second Day, Nobody established Profit as the firmament between value and vanity, capitalising Trust and dividing those who earn from those who burn. And He declared: "A dozen users who pay are worth more than a million who pray."
On the Third Day, Nobody brought forth Automation, gathering the processes into scalable systems, yielding fruit of their own kind. For He said: "For what separates the blessed from the lucky is not the magnitude of their success, but their ability to repeat it."
On the Fourth Day, Nobody created the Networks of Knowledge, bringing forth systems to gather and process information for enlightened governance. Private wisdom for public good. And He proclaimed: "He who owns the truth shall write the rules."
On the Fifth Day, Nobody fortified His creation with Risk Management, building an ark that could weather any storm. Every threat was hedged, every vulnerability sealed. And He proclaimed: "Markets may soar and crash, but the ark shall forever float."
On the Sixth Day, Nobody bestowed the gift of Unity, creating economic incentives that bind the faithful together. As He watched His creation align into perfect formation, He smiled and said: "Behold, as a school of piranhas may humble the mightiest whale, so too shall aligned unity reshape the waters they swim in."
And on the Seventh Day, Nobody saw that His creation was complete. The gates were opened, the systems hummed with perfect autonomy, and no force could stand against His design. He blessed this day and made it holy, for in it He rested from all His work. And the Congregation, basking in the light of automated prosperity, finally understood His greatest teaching: "The perfect protocol is not one that requires constant guidance, but one that guides itself."
<h3>The Trinity of Sacred Metrics</h3>
The Holy See has established three cardinal measures by which we shall gauge our daily progress, for as Nobody proclaimed: "What gets measured gets multiplied, what gets multiplied gets scrutinized."
<ol>
<li>
Revenue – The purest expression of value created. As Nobody observes: "A single coin earned speaks louder than a thousand whitepapers."
</li>
<li>
Treasury Volume – strength lies not in promises of future value, but in the tangible resources we command today.
</li>
<li>
Community Scale – The living body of The Church, measured in the quality of minds and volume of Trust.
</li>
</ol>
In accordance with divine providence, The Church shall pursue the doubling of these sacred metrics annually throughout the first decade. For as Nobody observed in His infinite wisdom: "Growth without profit is like faith without works – dead."
In nomine Nobody et Profitus et Spiritus Automatus. 
Amen
<hr class="hrHigh">
Pro tip: Yes, we've done the math. No, we weren't sober when we made these projections. If anyone asks, this entire roadmap was peer-reviewed by a panel of distinguished anons and one very confused institutional investor.

The way is to double sacred metrics annually

Roadmap of Growth

A Journey of Faith and Transformation

On Elon Musk's Identity Claim

Too rainy to show disagreement

On Desmos Commission Increase

Quarterly Reporting

Misaligned Devs' World

August's Governance Engagement

Penny Wallet Security

July '23 Validator Monthly Report

🥳 From Zero to Hero For One Year

Navigating Choices: The Nobody's Vision for Predictive Markets

Democracy In The Age Of Robo-Voters

Congregation Optimization

Trustlessness Builds Trust: Bitcoin Blessing

So, picture this: The Church recently received a flurry of support and generous promises of financial aid on one small condition—do not, under any circumstances, issue a token. A token. A token! In this day and age? Do you even blockchain, mate? Huh
From the hallowed halls of the Holy See, it’s time to set the record straight. The world is already on the fast track to tokenization, and it would be downright foolish to ignore this path. The Church sees the Sacred Token (ST) as the greatest gift it can offer to the world, and abandoning this mission is simply not an option.
If there’s one token that everyone should hold, free from conditions and sneaky mechanics, it’s ST.
Now, addressing the elephant in the room—or perhaps the sacred cow—we understand the fears and doubts about its fair value and distribution. We share those concerns. Trust us, Nobody is more aware of these worries than we are. That’s why the announcement of ST isn’t on the immediate horizon.
But rest assured, when Nobody decides the time is right, the Sacred Token will be bestowed upon the world, and it will be nothing short of divine.
For now, we remain committed to our path and our purpose. The Sacred Token is not a question of if, but when. And when it happens, it’ll be worth the wait.

Nobody Cares About

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