Sup, fellow degenerates of high finance,
Just DYOR'd The Church's portfolio. Holy shit, literally.
Let’s be real, fam. The Church's approach to portfolio management is tighter than Nobody's grip on our souls. Mad props for that CTI—absolutely a big-brain move. And that "no worse than index" rule? Chef's kiss. The Treasury has built us a solid ark where we feel safer than holding SPX or most of the projects in our portfolio. But don’t pop the communion wine just yet, my beautiful apes. How about we add some sails to this ark and catch the wind?
We’ve got some issues:
<ol>
<li>Our current portfolio is a dumpster fire of questionable assets. It's weaker than USDT's 2018 audits. The Brrr strategy is forced to operate with such a collection of shitcoins that meme coins look like model use cases in comparison. I’m not even talking about diversification and the risk/reward ratio.</li>
<li>Revenue streams? HFSP. The validator business is making less than a hodler in a multi-year accumulation phase. Really, modest stablecoin lending yields more than validating these incels. And we can't expand the portfolio when all our gains go to gas fees. Our cosmic shitcoin allocations are so insignificant, they make rounding errors look substantial. They’re so out of the market that they make Saylor look like a value investor.</li>
<li>Not a problem per se, but get this - the retail plebs want to see their favorite rugpulls-in-waiting ElonCumRocket69Inu tokens on the terminal. Let’s respect degen style. Next they'll be asking for technical advice on Magic 8 Ball, I swear.</li>
</ol>
So, what's the 200 IQ play here? (Or are we still officially pretending we’re 70?) Listen up, because this is more important than your wife's boyfriend's financial advice:
First, it's time for a capital raise. Let’s call it what it is—we’re passing the collection plate for some degen plays. We’ll set a minimum to keep the accounting nerds from having an aneurysm over updating the terminal. Minimum step-in? Your firstborn and a kidney. Don’t worry, we accept Dogecoin.
Next, let's take out the trash. Any asset underperforming the CTI gets voted off the island. No kidding, if money printers actually went Brrr, Cosmos guys would still be making printer noises with their mouths. We’ll create a special charming “pre-revenue” fund for these losers. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not a loss if we don’t sell, right?
Finally, new rules for the war chest. Let's give the Treasury and the whole damn congregation a chance to pitch ideas for using our reserves. Let's give these crypto-cowboys some rope. What could possibly go wrong? It's not like we're playing with real money anyway, are we?
Thoughts?
Remember, In Nobody We Trust, but in volatility, we thrive!
P.S. If anyone asks, we're just conducting a long-term social experiment on the effects of huffing too much hopium. For science, of course.

The Church's portfolio strategy is based, but lacks alpha. Proposing a capital raise, purging of shitcoins, and a new mandate for the sacred Brrr machine

Treasury Ark Needs Sails

After discussions with the Congregation regarding the current <a href="/newsroom/opinion/cap-table-penetration-kujira-s-love-story-of-liquidity-rescue">state of the Kujira Network</a>, the Holy See has reached the following decision.
The Treasury concurs that the project, given its current information status and the lack of clarity around the terms of the merger with THORChain, <a href="/newsroom/opinion/risk-management-101-keeping-powder-dry">cannot be considered investment-grade</a>.
However, the Church believes it is important to send the right signal to the market and express its support for the Kujira team and their well-earned reputation.
As such, a symbolic 3% of reserves will be allocated to participate in the auction for distressed debt. Simultaneously, a veto is placed on any further Treasury allocation into the KUJI token until there is clear understanding of the new economic model and tokenomics post-merger with THORChain.
This decision takes effect immediately.

Participation in the Kujira Bailout

Yo, fellow Treasury wizards!
Buckle up, 'cause I'm about to drop some hot takes on this <a href="/newsroom/opinion/cap-table-penetration-kujira-s-love-story-of-liquidity-rescue">Kujira clusterfuck</a>.
So, the big news this week is Kujira getting gobbled up and bailed out faster than you can say "rug pull." Now the higher-ups are yakking about whether we should throw our hat in the ring to save these poor bastards.
Here's my two cents:
First off, let's get back to Investing 101: What's our endgame here? Are we trying to 10x our stack or just keep our powder dry? 'Cause if we're swinging for the fences, we gotta be ready to eat some serious shit sandwiches. But if we're playing it safe, then we better keep our hands off anything riskier than T-bills.
Remember, The Treasury ain't exactly gunning for moonshots right now. We're not here to ape into every half-baked meme coin hoping for sick gainz.
Now, about this Kujira shitshow:
<ol>
<li>
Props to their PR team for not completely shitting the bed during this dumpster fire. These guys know how to build DeFi shit, I'll give 'em that. But let's be real - something smells fishier than last week's sushi. Six months ago, these clowns were sitting pretty with a $0.5B market cap, and now they're begging for pocket change to cover their ass? Yeah, I'm gonna need to see the receipts on that one.
</li>
<li>
WTF is up with this deal they struck with JP Thor? We're supposed to believe a $50M project is selling out for a measly $3M? That's like trading your Lambo for a used Civic, my dudes. They're ditching their own blockchain, throwing their validators under the bus, and leaving hodlers holding their dicks. This deal stinks worse than my gym socks after leg day.
</li>
</ol>
Bottom line: We're flying blind here, and there are more red flags than a Chinese military parade. Our current strat says "hell no" to touching this with a ten-foot pole.
But hey, I'm not totally heartless. These Kujira bros have been solid players in the past, so maybe we throw 'em a bone. I say we make some tiny-ass symbolic transaction - just enough to show we're rooting for 'em, but not so much that we'll be eating ramen if it all goes tits up.
Anyway, that's my hot take. Feel free to roast me in the replies if you think I'm off base.
WAGMI (maybe)

This so-called "whale" looks more like a slippery eel, twisting and turning to escape a Teflon slide

Risk Management 101: Keeping Powder Dry

INTERNET, THE TREASURY — We all love and cherish DeFi for its secure and tech, right? But let’s face it – sometimes, you just need to cash out those moonshot gains for some real-world pleasures, like junk food or a Lambo upgrade. And stepping out of our cozy crypto bubble to swap your bags for something valuable can be a daunting quest, filled with the fear of getting rekt.
But guess what, fam? The Church has your back. The Treasury is now your ultimate wingman for OTC trades. Nobody guarantees every transaction, literally. No more sweating over sketchy deals or fearing rug pulls. The Treasury is here to ensure every transaction among congregation members, putting all its assets on the line to keep you worry-free.
Over the past two years, The Treasury has been on a grind, building a global partner network and smashing every obligation like a pro across all asset classes. Now, they’re leveling up. With this new service, you can trade with your fellow members with total peace of mind. Trust and security? Check and check.
And the best part? The Church is only charging a tiny fee of 1 USD per transaction. That’s less than what you’d drop on a new rekt-by-design memecoin. So, everyone can get in on this action without breaking the bank. This move isn’t just about keeping you safe; it’s about setting a whole new level for trust and reliability in our community.
Got questions? Hit up <a href="/about/contacts">the confession room</a> for all the juicy details.

Treasury ensuring security and trust by assuming all risks and charging a nominal fee of 1 USD per transaction

Nobody Guarantees the Execution of OTC Deals

TREASURY, THE OPEN NETWORK — Hearken, one and all, to a grand proclamation from the esteemed Treasury of The Church of Nobody. With great honor and anticipation, we do announce the addition of a new and promising asset to our illustrious portfolio — the token of The Open Network (TON).In the spirit of prudent stewardship and foresight, The Treasury doth place high expectations upon the token of The Open Network. This esteemed token is now embraced within our vaults, reflecting our commitment to diversifying our holdings and seeking out promising ventures that align with our sacred mission.Moreover, a resolute decision hath been made to allocate all new revenues derived from our endeavors within the Bostrom Network towards the acquisition of the Toncoin. This directive shall remain in force until such time as the capitalization of TON within our Treasury equates to that of Ethereum. Upon reaching this equitable balance, future rebalancing of our holdings shall be conducted in equal proportions between these two esteemed assets.This strategic initiative underlines our unwavering dedication to fortifying the financial foundation of The Church, ensuring the prosperity and growth of our sacred community under the divine guidance of Nobody.Rejoice, for this marks a significant step forward in our journey. Let us welcome the TON with open hearts and steadfast faith, as we continue to navigate the ever-evolving landscape of our noble endeavors.

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Treasury Ark Needs Sails

Participation in the Kujira Bailout

Risk Management 101: Keeping Powder Dry

Nobody Guarantees the Execution of OTC Deals

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